I wake up every morning, trying to appear normal. I get up, make myself some coffee, make my sons lunch for work. I feed and walk the dogs, that in itself is a chore. Our dog Cali is dying and will be going to heaven next week. She needs extra care, medication, I have to pick her up to take her out to go potty. I manage to grab something simple to eat, did I mention my stomach is somewhat of a train wreck? Oh, I have figured out the long list of foods that I cannot digest. Did I mention that RA stinks, well if I have not yet, I will say quite clearly, it stinks!
I then move on to make my husbands lunch, which has to be delivered between 10:00 - 11:00am. He wont eat food prepared the night before. Once that is done, I clean myself up, depending on how I feel that means make-up on good days, and on bad days lucky to even wash my face. That takes too much energy. Taking a shower means a lot of energy, washing and conditioning my own hair, brushing it and then dealing with lotions, getting dressed and deodorant. So many people do this routine daily and dont think twice, its just something other people do every day. But for me its like lets make a deal. Every day I wake up and negotiate with myself...what am I going to do today? Is it a face washing no shower kind of day? Do I have the energy to take a shower? Can I deal with greasy hair one more day? I need to go to the grocery store I tell myself, oh I also need to visit the pet store to buy dog food.
So my husbands lunch is made, I got myself cleaned up to get ready to leave the house, some sort of version of myself. I put the sick dog back in the laundry room. She pees the floor if I leave her out and on bad days I cannot imagine taking her to the park. Picking her up and putting her into the car, then picking her up and taking her out of the car, only to do it again after we are done at the park, take her out again once we get home. See my point? I put the healthy dog on a leash, grab my husbands lunch, out the door I go. I drop off his lunch, then go to the park with one or two dogs, I make my way home to drop off the dog(s), and then another bargaining and negotiation session takes place in my own mind.
Do I really need to go to the pet store? Do I have enough dog food to make it another day? I originally wrote a list of all the places I need to go. Grocery store, Trader Joes, the 99 cents store, Pet store. Well I think I can wait and get the frozen chicken I usually buy at Trader Joes, another day. I negotiate with myself that I will buy chicken at Ralphs Grocery instead. Do I really need to save a few bucks at the 99 cents store? Na, I will buy the tortillas and veggies at the grocery store.
This is my daily negotiation, of what I think I can do in one day, what I can force myself to do in one day. And what I can put off for another day. And of course what I have to do in one day. I only have to do certain things in one day if I have company coming. For example if my daughter is traveling to visit, there are things I have to force myself to do!
Before RA, I was like super mom, super wife, super woman. I could do it all, a complete woman full of energy. Nothing could stop me, nothing.
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